"Too emotional" "too aggressive" and other things we say that harm minorities in the workplace

Elaborating on my last post about emotions at work, I want to now address – in context of normal, non-pathological shows of emotion – how people are harmed when we're using phrases like: "too emotional," "too aggressive," "too defensive," "hysterical," or asking people to "calm down." This language is used disproportionately toward women, LGBTQIA2s+ people, disabled people, and especially BIPOC in the workplace.

For example, while women's emotions are seen as weak or “bitchy,” men are seen as strong, "having a bad day", or even lauded for being sensitive. BIPOC workers are seen as threatening or radical. And this is not some evil, intentional thing that people do, thought it's very much unchecked bias.

There's also research to back this, and although there are many great articles to choose from, I like how this BBC article, The people penalized for expressing emotions at work, neatly packages many ideas in one place.

Here are some real examples of how this bias plays out:

“Women who cry at work can be seen as weak or unprofessional, while people assume men are dealing with external factors behind the tears. “

“Men who exhibit anger can often wield it as an effective management tool to appear capable, while women are seen as inept or even shrill.”

“BIPOC workers’ anger and other similar emotions are perceived in majority-white spaces as more “threatening” than similar emotions from white workers.”

“White workers who displayed anger in front of administrators on behalf of students were seen as having “passion for their work”. But staff members of colour were seen as “radical” and “not viewed as team players when they expressed anger” over microaggressions or prejudice on behalf of students.”

These biases cause your women and minorty colleagues to constantly have to check themselves against an unfair and subtle “code of conduct.” Imagine what it feels like having to constantly assess, “will they judge me if I show I am upset”? Imagine what it feels like every day to think, “will my colleagues feel threatened if I show how I feel?” So before you dole out this feedback to your colleagues, pause and ask yourself some questions. Could your own reaction to your colleagues' emotions be influenced by bias? How did you react when a male or white colleague did something similar?

You might be thinking, “So what, people just need thicker skins!”

The harm in just sloughing away your bias like that is you may be holding your colleagues back. Instead ask yourself, “could I – even thinking I am a well-intended, good ally, good leader – have bias?” The answer is yes, yes you do. I do. We all do. Though we can and should strive to be aware of it.

This is also a good place to plug in a first step toward uncovering your unconscious biases, with a class by Stacey A. Gordon, MBA. I also highly recommend her book Unbias: Addressing Unconscious Bias at Work.